It’s that time of year again – we survived the winter, the leaves are budding, the fisherman’s traps hauling in delicious, juicy lobsters, there’s a beautiful optimism and anticipation for the upcoming months floating almost visibly in the air, and, so far, the summer heat hasn’t yet rendered us useless and only capable of sitting on beaches drinking cold beer and sucking in our guts..... In other words, this is Ball Hockey Season. Many a day as young, adventurous Cape Breton ragamuffins was spent on streets and courts shooting the hardest substance known to man, HARD ORANGE BALLS, at brave goalies. It’s a beautiful time of year- not too hot, not too cold and the hockey playoffs have everyone in the mood to work off the winter bellies and hit the streets for some Ball Hockey action. Now, the reason why I’m rambling on here about a sport for washed up athletes and poor kids is pretty simple: We want to put a little challenge out there: BLUE RODEO, we want you.
BLUE RODEO struts around like they’re the king shits of the Ball Hockey world. Jim Cuddy has been quoted as saying: “I am by far the best player to ever step foot on this earth. If Wayne Gretzky, Sidney Crosby and Bobby Orr were to have a love child... that child would be my left leg. The rest of my body would be comprised of futuristic impermeable metals and steels, my reflexes controlled by advanced algorithms too sophisticated for other humans to comprehend and my heart powered by the beating surge of humanity’s will.”
Yeah yeah yeah Jim..... So you wrote “Hasn’t Hit Me” and maybe I cry like a small child and uncontrollably hug the nearest person to me every time I hear it, but, so what? Greg Keelor, your father might be partners with Bruce’s mom at the local Crib tourneys, but that’s where our friendship ends.
You BLUE RODEO fellas don’t know what you’re dealing with here. Bruce once took a slapshot in the throat by New York Islanders defenceman Andrew MacDonald in his pre-NHL days and just laughed, I played an entire game using a Deer Heart as a ball. I really did! I wish I didn’t... I’ve had nightmares about it ever since. By the end of the game the whole crew of us looked like a bunch of 12 year olds coming back from Vimy Ridge, bloody head to toe, our mothers surely aghast. I’ve never seen something so disgusting.... Anyways, what animal organs have you used as a substitute for a ball, BLUE RODEO? None I take it. What is it, ya scared of a little Moose Liver or Partridge Appendix? If you were real ball hockey players you’d have at least stick-handled some Rabbit Lungs or shot a Bear Kidney top shelf.
The thing is, BLUE RODEO, that while you’re sitting at home in your mansions being fed rare grapes by young Brazilian models and forcing them to repeatedly sing “Bad Timing” to you in Portuguese, we’ve been working on our skillzz (And yes, the nonchalant usage of a double “Z” clearly emphasises our youth and hip nature in modern society). We’ve watched the Mighty Ducks Trilogy so many times that our blood runs thick with the incomparable knowledge of the legendary Gordon Bombay (As portrayed beautifully on the silver screen by Emilio Estevez).
So, here it goes: Two on two (you guys can pick whichever two you want, or even rotate in, for that matter), trash can nets, up to 11, win by 2. You guys pick the time and place and we’ll be there... well, unless it will cost a lot to travel, in that case, you rich pricks can meet us somewhere. Loser buys lunch.
That's it. The Town Heroes vs. BLUE RODEO... good vs. evil in a battle that will surely alter the flow of the current world we live in.
To end this, I’ll leave you now with another Jim Cuddy quote: “I feel that the human race is far inferior to all that I am. My astonishing good looks, overwhelming talent in all areas of life and extraordinary levels of intelligence have left me exclusively alone at the top of the pack. Sometimes I am embarrassed to say I am human because of the downfalls and disappointments of all those below me. I feel that I exist at the top, much like God himself, but in the flesh... so kinda like Jesus... well, I guess a LOT like Jesus..... I am basically Jesus.”
Well, that about does it. The challenge is out there, it’s up to BLUE RODEO to man up and see if they’ll take it.