Hey Clive, Can We Come Play on Your Boat?

Dear Clive Palmer,Good day, sir. I hope this letter finds you in good health. My name is Mike Ryan and I’m writing to you on behalf of my band, The Town Heroes. We’re a 2-piece rock and often roll band from the small Island of Cape Breton (home of Giant MacAskill, Paul’s Pizza Burgers, etc...). You may recognize Bruce Gillis (drummer of band) from his MVP performance in the coveted Whycocomagh Oilers Novice B hockey tournament in 1994. As our favourite Australian multi-billionaire, it has come to our attention that you will be partaking in the building of THE TITANIC 2. While some may see this venture as unnecessary, as boastful and excessive frivolous splurging to showcase one man’s limitless amount of money and thirst for notoriety, we believe this to be a wonderful idea. There are a lot of things that this world needs, and a massive boat EXACTLY the same as one that existed already is certainly one of them. And, if it has any correlation to the movie Titanic 2, this will be a smashing success. We’re incredibly excited to see this hulking mass of steel and vanity come to life and have, what we believe to be, a wonderful proposition for you. We’ve played shows all across the globe and believe that we, The Town Heroes, would be an excellent fit as the band to perform on the maiden voyage of THE TITANTIC 2. There are a host of good reasons why we are the band for this. Here are a few:

1) 100% of the boats we’ve played on in the past have NOT sunk. We’ve played on boats all across the planet, from Nova Scotia to Europe. To paraphrase the captain of the MS Heidi in Hamburg, Germany: “In addition to being the most handsome and talented band this earth has thus far seen, The Town Heroes have an innate ability to keep ships afloat. While their music poured from the stern of my ship, I took my hands of the steering wheel and let their sounds guide my boat through the rough waters of the Hamburg harbour. It was almost divine, almost otherworldly... as though the boat lifted above the water, all worries dissolved and we floated in peaceful harmony to safety” ... or something like that. I don’t know if it’s just our good luck, our buoyant personalities, or the fact that the salt water of the Atlantic runs thick through our blood, but, if you are concerned about this big chunk of junk following the fate of its predecessor, then hire us cats and this most certainly won’t happen.

2) There are only two of us in the band and our combined weight is significantly less than that of an orchestra. Hiring us allows you to bring on more wealthy/attractive people. If you hire an 8 piece orchestra like the original Titanic, that’s 6 attractive/wealthy people who don’t get to be on the boat. By doing that, you might miss out on the opportunity to have people like Selena Gomez, Iron Man 2, Frankie MacDonald, or even Emilio Estevez aboard. What’s a trip on a giant ship without Emilio Estevez enthralling the other passengers with stories of outlandish behind the scenes antics from the much celebrated Mighty Ducks trilogy? By hiring us instead of those schmarmy 8 orchestra clowns, you could fit all 5 members of the Pussycat Dolls plus Gary Busey, or Shakira and the entire starting lineup for the Chicago Bulls 1998 Championship team, or, what would probably be the best option, Chris Brown and a tank full of hungry man eating sharks that frown upon both shitty R&B and abusive pansies. Don’t be a fool, Clive. Do what has to be done.

3) We currently reside in Halifax, Nova Scotia which is the resting place for many of the deceased from the crash of the original Titanic. Approximately ten years ago, while stumbling drunkenly through a graveyard, I accidentally tripped and spilled a very small portion of my Colt-45 onto a headstone. I felt awful! Upon further investigation, it turned out that it was the grave site of an individual who perished in the 1912 Titanic crash! What are the chances? By accidentally spilling cheap malt liquor (predominately reserved for hobos and the ghettos of America) on their final resting place, I feel as though I may have disturbed their spirit. I believe I should have the opportunity to appease said spirit by properly pouring a legitimate 40oz. (absolutely any type of liquor other than Colt-45) off the bow of the ship and into the Atlantic Ocean, the waters that took their life – both commemorating their passing and honouring their life. That and every time I see a Halifax hipster dressed in “turn of the century early 1900’s garb”, I think it might be a vengeful ghost coming back to get even. I don’t like that feeling. Please make it stop, Clive, please.

4) I’ve never seen the movie “Titanic”. That must mean something, right?

5) The Last time I was on a fishing boat, I threw a water balloon at NHL Hall of Fame defenseman, Al MacInnis. This was not a malicious act, but due to the fact that he threw one at me first. (Note: Port Hood boat parade, bring back the water balloons... they were awesome!) If THE TITANIC 2 is hi-jacked by Somalian pirates, you want someone with quick, reactionary instincts on board to fight back. While it was all fun and games with 7 time NHL Hardest Shot award winner Mr. MacInnis, at heart I remain true to my combative instincts and would gladly throw a water balloon or, if the situation required it, an explosive grenade at an attacking foe. Bruce is also very good with a .22 Rifle and has shot rabbits from moving cars on many, many occasions.

6) If you’re looking for a group of guys who have access to major celebrities to bring aboard, then boy, are we the guys for you! Harrison Ford once stepped on my cousins foot, he said “sorry, dear!”, I cooked a hamburger for Phillip Glass, Bruce’s mom plays crib with a guy in Blue Rodeo’s dad, JFK asked my grandmother out on a date but she said “no!” because he was a known womanizer and he’s dead now anyway so he probably wouldn’t be able to come on the boat unless you were looking for corpses. Are you looking for corpses?

These are just a few of the reasons why we should be the band to play on THE TITANIC 2’s maiden voyage. Please reply to this ASAP since we are booking our schedule and filling in the dates for the next little while. We don’t want to commit to a weekend at the Split Crow in Truro and have to turn down playing on THE TITANIC 2 because of it. And, just so you know, we’d certainly get dressed to the nines for this gig. My brother got married 2 years ago and bought me a snazzy shirt and tie I could wear. Bruce recently found a barely stained 3-piece suit at Value Village that he looks as handsome as Matlock in. So, there would obviously be no issues with our attire, other than maybe making some of the other guests feel under dressed.

Well good sir, it’s been a pleasure. Thank you for your time and consideration, Clive. We look forward to hearing from you and being a part of history. To end this, it seems fitting to leave you with another quote paraphrased from the captain of the MS Heidi: “Hearing Slag Heaps blasting on a boat in the open water is such a blissful and euphoric experience that it changes you significantly in ways that you never deemed fathomable; deep inside your core a fundamental altering takes place. From that day on you are totally awakened, each step is purposeful and poised, your thoughts are exactly as they should be, the question of what being human actually means is no longer a mystifying query but an accepted truth you now live with. It’s much like what meeting God on a good acid trip must be like, or drinking a pristine bottle of Sidney Crosby’s sweat – a glorious encounter with the omniscient. Well, driving boats is fun... but I should get back to land and eat some tasty sausage. There’s good sausage in Germany. Did you know that?”

Regards, The Town Heroes