Well, it’s that time of year again, folks: when we glue ourselves to the Tele, judges are paid off, medals are handed out, and eating tasty finger foods might as well be considered a new religion and Roast Chicken chips our new God. It’s the Olympics, my friends. And while Sid the Kid goes for Gold on the ice, there’s another very important battle that has been taking place every day for the last four years: the battle for the title of “MOST SUPREME HAND DRYER”. As qualified Olympic Hand Dryer Judges, we’ve traveled all over the world to obtain these results. Along the way, many a bathroom was used and many a hand dried. With our honest, unbiased and professional opinions, strap yourself in, let the debates and controversy begin, because here are the official Olympic results. Bronze: The Dyson Airblade The Dyson Airblade is a sleek, ergonomically designed new age competitor in the Hand Dryer world – the cool new kid on the block with tricks the old veterans can’t compete with. Props go out to the engineers and designers of TDA for its hip, modern design that’s as cool as a tasty cucumber that you took from your neighbor's garden while they were away on vacation. While fun to use and generally better than most other competitors, the desired end result of a Hand Dryer is to DRY YOUR HANDS EFFICIENTLY. It doesn’t matter how fancy schmancy futuristic it looks, if your hands aren’t dry when leaving the loo, you might as well live under water. Like a modern day hipster who intentionally tries to go against the mainstream to be different, The Dyson Airblade is kind of cool, but underneath all those layers of fancy apparel and hipsterdom, it’s just a regular Hand Dryer that’s the same as all the others, trying a little too hard and maybe a little bit afraid of what it actually is.
Silver: The BluStorm Any time a Hand Dryer incorporates a blue laser into to it, it’s certainly cause for celebration. The BluStorm makes you feel like you’re traveling through space riding a bi-lingual unicorn, fighting the Rebel Alliance, pockets full of fuzzy peach candies, “We are the Champions” blasting in the Ipod, you just got back from the dentist without a cavity, there’s a laser party on your hands and everyone’s invited, especially Princess Leah, and you just won a decent amount of money at bingo and are thinking of possibly getting a new pack of socks. It basically makes you feel like Genghis Khan if he was a Jedi. The laser is pretty darn slick, there are no doubts about that, but, realistically, its function is irrelevant. When hot air is blowing out of a cylindrical vent and onto my hands, I don’t need a laser to point that out to me. Does BluStorm think that its users would not be able to locate the incredibly hot air directly in front of them without the help of a laser? Aside from the extravagant but unnecessary laser, The BluStorm is a very well rounded, durable machine with exceptional blow power. But, not the best.
Gold: The Xlerator Like Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir without the corrupt judging, The Xlerator reigns supreme. I remember being a young twentysomething, hands covered up to wazoo in pizza sauce, a full belly and strong desire to wipe my hands clean and look at the dessert menu to eat unnecessary sugars. Off in the distance I periodically heard what I assumed to be a large jet taking off. I thought nothing of it. I went to the bathroom to rid my hands of their tasty filth, and there it was: The Xlerator – glistening in the dim light of a shady bar like a freshly waxed convertible on a sunny day in Hollywood. The first thing I remember about it was the sound. That jet engine I periodically heard was The Xlerator. The power of that machine was astonishing. It was like a helicopter started up in both my ears, a tornado was spinning perpetually on my forehead, an earthquake coupled with a sea of raucous lawnmowers rattled my insides in the most pleasurable way possible. I put my hands under and experienced the Blow Power for the first time. It was spellbinding. It blew me so hard my hands were dry the day before. With a good Hand Dryer, I want the force of the air to move my skin, I want the flesh of my hands to dance, and (to make another Dance Pairs Figure Skating reference) to flow in the wind like the hair of that blonde headed little Elf-like American ice skating prince, Charlie White, during a sequence of hasty twizzles with his robotic wax figurine female partner, Merly Davis. That’s what The Xlerator did for me: my skin danced, my smile grew, and most importantly, my hands dried. That moment in the pizza shop some years ago was something I’ll never forget, one of the greatest moments of my life. No other Hand Dryer can compete with the significant Blow Power of The Xlerator, no other Hand Dryer will leave you as happy after only a short time of blowing. With no immediate competition in the foreseeable future, The Xlerator may just remain atop the world of Hand Dryer Olympics in a sea of treasury Gold for a long time. All we can do now is wait and see what the future brings us, and, if anything is certain in this crazy world of ours, it will be more flavours of pop and various juices. With these liquids, their consumption will create a need to urinate that will lead to bathroom usage, and ultimately (if they are good, decent and sanitary folk) the washing of hands. The more future pop and juice on the market, the more of a need for hands to be dried – basic supply and demand… obviously.
Congrats to all the medal winners, well deserved.
Also, we’re nominated for 3 ECMAs. One is for Fans Choice Video of the Year. Vote for us here: http://www.pei2014.ca/ecma/ecma_video Thanks so much, we love you all! Mike