How can this possibly fail?

Dear NATALIE PORTMAN,Hi Natalie, my name is Mike Ryan. You might know me from my band The Town Heroes, having the highest kick in eastern Canada ( I can send videos), or maybe from my younger days as the vice president of the Grade 12 Executive at Inverness Academy in 2001 when we sold suckers on Wednesdays and Fridays.

The reason I’m writing this letter is because my band is travelling to New York on December 9th to film a music video over a two day period. The song is titled “New York City” and will be highlighting landmarks and the people of the city. We’re pretty decent and have even played in places where we had to take planes to get there!

We’re just wondering if you’d be interested in being in our video. You don’t really have to do anything special, just act cool and look pretty. We can’t pay you much, but I make really good peanut butter and jam sandwiches so you’re welcome to as many of those as you want. As well, I’m currently single, so if you need anything “special” from the “Mike Ryan Department”, I suppose I could help you out in that area as well.

Well, that’s it for now. I don’t have a cell phone so you’ll have to call Bruce’s. If he sounds confused, don’t worry, he’s like that on phones. Can’t wait to see you in the Big Apple.

All the best, Mike Ryan